This Affection
by BlackAsDay
Summary: Tsuzuki and Hisoka form a relationship. Hisoka wants to forget whats been done in his past, stop reliving the nightmare but will his methods work... Tsuzuki/Hisoka  obviously...  somewhat angsty at points...  1st chapter edited


_**~Yami no Matsuei~**_

_**Pairing: **__Tsuzuki and Hisoka_

_**Warnings: **__yaoi, smexy-ness, all that fun stuff_

_**This is the revised chapter. I'm sorry about the one I posted before. I didn't mean to put in those major switches between first and third person, I had been interrupted quite a few times while writing the original and somewhere along the line I screwed it up so I apologize and thank everyone for telling me. If you find any more errors please tell me and I'll try to get the next chapter right the first time. Thanks.**_

…_.._

_(Prologue…)_

It had started a while after Tsuzuki had rescued him from Muraki. He would hold him and comfort him when he was need. He would just stay with him till he fell asleep. And slowly Hisoka found himself not minding Tsuzuki's touch, he found himself actually…_wanting _it. It was such a strange feeling to him, he had never wanted anyone to touch him before; actually it was the exact opposite. He had tried his best to stay away from others, so he wouldn't become tangled in their unruly emotions, but for some reason Tsuzuki was different. He couldn't identify his own feelings for this man for he'd never felt them for himself before.

So it came as a surprise to both of them when he made the first move. It was a small kiss, barely a brush of the lips, before he realized what he was doing. Blushing he had grabbed his coat and ran out of the apartment without another word. Tsuzuki had sat, completely puzzled, for a moment before realizing what this meant to Hisoka. Swiftly he had grabbed his own jacket and followed after the younger shinigami.

He had managed to catch up to him a few blocks ahead, grabbing him and turning him around to face him. Hisoka looked shocked and embarrassed, his face flushing, tears beginning to form in the corners of his unsure, brilliantly green eyes. Before he could pull away again Tsuzuki leaned down and kissed him full on the lips, moving his against Hisoka's soft ones.

Hisoka had gasped; they had standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk, where anyone could have seen them. And they were _kissing. _Emotions overwhelmed him and his knees buckled, tipping him forward. He felt the older man wrap one arm under his knees and the other around his back, picking him up and carrying him back towards the apartment, bridal style.

Tsuzuki placed the beautiful 'teen' down on the couch, leaning forward to kiss his forehead lightly. Emerald eyes shot open, shock flowing back into him once again.

He was reassured by the familiar voice shushing him and telling him, "it's alright, we're fine…We'll figure this out." And he had leaned down once more, kissing Hisoka once again.

Hisoka gave a small gasp, twisting himself into the arms of the man before him. Yes that was when this affection had started…

…

_(Chapter One…)_

A shrill shriek pierced the night as Hisoka bolted up, completely covered in a cold sweat from his nightmare. It took him a moment to realize that it was he who had made the noise. He tucked his head between his knees, panting and trying to recover. He felt so weak, not only could he not stop Muraki but he couldn't stop the nightmares about him either. About what he had done to him. Hisoka let out a small whimper before the light clicked on. He didn't bother to look up, he knew who it was and he didn't want to let Tsuzuki see him like this _again. _He knew he must look so pitiful, all curled up on himself.

Suddenly he felt familiar arms wrap around him, pulling him close. He could feel the worry emanating off the other, his empathy letting his partners emotions flood him. Hisoka tried to relax his body, to be able to sit in Tsuzuki's warm grip, but he couldn't handle anymore emotions at the moment, his own were too much. He untangled himself from his partner, sitting and trying to straighten his breathing. He tried to tell himself it was just a dream but he knew he was lying to himself. It wasn't just a dream, it was a _memory. _

"Hisoka?" Tsuzuki spoke, his voice full of uncertainty. He felt like he was going to explode if the other didn't say something soon.

"I'm okay…Just give me a minute?" the sandy blonde-haired boy sighed. Pull it together, he told himself, finally allowing himself to relax enough to reach out and be pulled into the brunettes arms.

Relief flooded through him as he finally got Hisoka back into his arms. He brushed his fingers through the boy's beautiful hair. Everything about him was beautiful and perfect. It was his curse.

"Was it another…nightmare?" he brought himself to ask. He knew the answer really, the boy in his arms was scarred, he had damage, and as any trauma survivor (he used the term loosely) he relived unpleasant things. Especially at night.

Hisoka just nodded slowly.

"Do…do you want to talk about it?"

Hisoka shook his head furiously. He didn't want to relive this anymore, didn't want to face it or what had been done. And he certainly didn't want to give Tsuzuki all the details of what happened, how he'd been violated in every sense of the word. Raped. How dirty he was, how he just wanted to escape. Be cleansed…cleansed by Tsuzuki.

He stretched his neck forward, leaning up to kiss Tsuzuki. He wanted him to make him forget everything.

Tsuzuki kissed back unsurely. He couldn't figure out Hisoka's mood changes or what he wanted for the life of him. So he just went with what it seemed Hisoka wanted and kissed him softly. He was surprised when Hisoka uncertainly brushed his tongue across his bottom lip. He had never made any move like this before. He usually stopped and pushed Tsuzuki away before he could get carried away.

Their mouths opened, tongues brushing for the first time.

Hisoka moaned quietly in his throat, ignoring his nervousness, he _had _to do this. If he didn't he would feel horrible forever and eventually Tsuzuki would get tired of him. They'd been…something…to each other for months and they'd never even French kissed. He had to keep him there.

Tsuzuki battled for dominance, which he won easily over Hisoka's inexperienced tongue. They had slid down into a laying position at some point during their kissing so now Tsuzuki was positioned on top of the smaller shinigami. He felt Hisoka's hands creep up under his shirt and he broke away, completely surprised. What was he doing?

Hisoka felt his face flush hot as Tsuzuki looked at him but he kept on anyway, feeling the muscles of the others chest.

"Hisoka?" he sounded confused.

Hisoka just pulled the man above him into another kiss, starting to pull his shirt off. His fingers fumbled with the buttons for a moment, unsteady.

Tsuzuki grabbed Hisoka's wrists and looked at him, stunned. First the kissing, the tongue and now he was being undressed. It hit him suddenly what the other wanted. He wanted sex.

Hisoka turned his head away from Tsuzuki, refusing to look him in the eye. It felt like his face was on fire.

Tsuzuki moved both of Hisoka's wrists into one hand, using his free one to turn the younger's head so he'd be forced to look at him. "What…what are you doing?" he asked quietly, so as not to scare him.

"I…I just need…please, Tsuzuki…I just wanna…forget," if he thought his face was red before by the end of his sentence he was scarlet.

He felt Tsuzuki's anger rear up for a minute before he became softer, gentler. Pitying.

"Are you really sure, Hisoka? Shouldn't we…talk out our problems? Or something?" he whispered into the ear of the teen under him. He wanted Hisoka, he really did, but he didn't want to rush things with him. Or just do something this special because of some trauma he wanted to forget. Still he could never turn down the boy when he felt he needed something.

"No…I don't want to talk about it…about him…I just- I want you," he murmured. He just need some action, he couldn't bare this anymore. "If you're not going to help me…please go…I don't want you to see me like this," he could feel his eyes start to water. He didn't know what he'd do if he was rejected, he couldn't keep living with these nightmares and especially not if Tsuzuki decided he was too much work to be worth.

Tsuzuki stared him in the eyes, tears beginning to leak out, and he couldn't take it anymore. He leaned in and kissed Hisoka, letting go of the wrists he was still grasping. He lay down so that their bodies were pressed flush together and began kissing the side of Hisoka's neck. The boy under him gasped and arched. His tongue lapped back and forth at that spot, listening to the beautiful noises coming from the body under him.

Hisoka slowly moved his arms up, hands on Tsuzuki's shoulders and began pushing the undone shirt off him. Tsuzuki let him, trailing his own hands down to lift the hem of the others shirt up. He pushed the shirt up, exposing blemished skin. He still had scars from his past life time, and some from this one. Tsuzuki made a point of kissing every one of them very gently. He kissed up to the boy's nipples, flicking his tongue out and teasing the pink bud till it was erect.

Hisoka whimpered at the feeling of having his nipple kissed. So far he was keeping it together pretty well; it was so different from what Muraki had done. He felt pleasure instead of the pain he had once experienced.

He felt a hand slide to his pants, breaking him away from his thoughts. Without thinking he moaned and pushed his hips up to get more friction. The hand caressed him through the rough material of his jeans. He panted hard, everything felt so much more intense because of his empathy. He felt not only his own arousal but Tsuzuki's too. It clouded his brain, making it hard to think. He whimpered again.

Tsuzuki watched as Hisoka moaned and writhed under him, fascinated by the sight. He was so sensitive and his reactions were making Tsuzuki pants grow tighter. He removed his hands and aligned his crotch with the blondes instead, growling as he grinded down against him.

"Ts-tsuzuki," he moaned out brokenly, grinding right back.

"Dammit," Tsuzuki whispered, watching the other boy's display of lust. He reached his hand down and unbuckled Hisoka's belt, unbuttoning and unzipping his pants before pulling them swiftly off the boy.

Hisoka felt Tsuzuki's hands twist into the waistband of his undergarments but before he could protest they were gone to and he was completely exposed to his partner's eyes. He flushed deeply and completely, turning pink from head to toes. He opened his mouth to tell Tsuzuki to stop staring but as a hand gripped his bare erection he ended up letting out a loud cry instead. He bucked his hips up instinctively, unable to help himself.

Tsuzuki smiled into Hisoka's neck, pumping up and down and circling the head. Hisoka couldn't stop moaning, he couldn't even keep his breathing even, the pleasure was too much for him, he couldn't stand it and he felt heat coiling in his stomach. Tsuzuki thumbed over the sensitive slit and he lost it, arching his back so much only his head was touching the bed as he came hard.

Hisoka lay on his back, panting as he came down from his blissful high. Then he realized Tsuzuki was still there, still hard, and still half clothed. He blushed once again, ducking his head as he sat up and moved his hands to unbuckle Tsuzuki's pants. He pushed them down quickly, unable to look away from the sizable erection before him. His breathing picked up, heart pounding.

'Gotta do this, Gotta do this,' he chanted in his head, unable to stop fear from flooding him.

"Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked, worried. "We don't have to do this, Hisoka," he tried to assure him.

Hisoka mentally flipped; of course he was just saying that. He had to do this, he couldn't wimp out now. He'd asked for this, he couldn't leave Tsuzuki high and dry. If he didn't do this Tsuzuki would get tired of him, leave him. He had to.

"Yes…yes we do," he voiced his thoughts aloud.

Tsuzuki leaned forward and kissed him, gently laying them down so he was atop of Hisoka once again. He sucked in two of his own fingers, wetting them and brining them down to the smaller males opening.

Immediately Hisoka tensed up feeling those fingers at his entrance. This was getting dangerous now; he had to keep his emotions in check. This was not the same as Muraki, he didn't need to freak out, this was Tsuzuki.

"You have to relax," Tsuzuki whispered.

"I k-know," Hisoka clamored, calming himself with his mantra of 'this is Tsuzuki.' He finally relaxed after a minute, feeling a finger push into him and gasping. He gripped the sheets tightly with his hands, closing his eyes and trying to keep the rest of his body relaxed.

Tsuzuki pushed the second finger in, scissoring the dirty-blonde male, stretching him. After a few minutes Hisoka seemed impatient, he squirmed moving his body against the fingers.

"Go already," he murmured; getting fed up with the preparation, he knew he wouldn't be getting any looser.

Slowly Tsuzuki started to push himself into the tight, little hole. He got past the first ring of muscle before Hisoka started crying. Tsuzuki kept edging forward, trying to go slow but Hisoka's whimpering just got louder. He looked up to see tears streaming down his face.

It hurt so much; it reminded him of that time. He couldn't relive that, what was he thinking? He wasn't ready for this! He had to stop this!

"Stop! Please stop!" he begged frantically, obviously freaking out, reliving something tragic.

"Shhh, Hisoka. Its okay, I know it hurts. It'll get better, I promise you. It's me, Tsuzuki," he held him close, stalling any movement forward, trying to comfort him, remind him what was happening.

"No, please! It hurts!" he cried, biting his lip so hard it bled.

Immediately Tsuzuki pulled out, sweeping the sobbing Hisoka into his arms. He could feel the hot tears from the boy run down his shoulder blade as he tried to calm him down.

"Shh, its okay, Hisoka. We don't have to do this. I'm fine with just holding you close to me. It'll be okay. It's not happening again, you're here with me. Hisoka it's just me, Tsuzuki. Nothing is happening to you, it's going to be okay." He ran his fingers through that blonde hair, now matted with sweat. He pulled him away to look him in the face.

"I can't, I can't," Hisoka kept repeating, tears still pouring.

"Shh, I won't make you." Tsuzuki held him tight, kissing the top of his head and rubbing circles on his back. Finally after a half an hour the hysterical sobbing stop and Tsuzuki lifted Hisoka's head to look at him. Hisoka refused to meet his eyes, clearly ashamed of himself, for breaking down, crying, reliving the past, and not being able to go through with it. Tsuzuki just grabbed him and wrapped his arms around him.

"It's okay," he said again.

"No…no, it's not," came the reply a few minutes later. "I should be able to forget, I shouldn't think of him. This isn't the same! It's not the same…I should be able to…" he trailed off.

"Hisoka, look at me," but Hisoka wouldn't, he just stared at the sheets with a hatred in his eyes, a hatred for himself. "Look at me," I repeated. "I won't make you do anything you're not ready for. You're not ready for this."

His head snapped up, eyes determined. "Yes, I am. I need this…I need this because I need you…You'll leave me, you'll get tired of the fact that I can't handle…physical contact…you'll leave me," he repeated. "So I need to do this. I want to try again," he stated trying to lean in for a kiss.

Tsuzuki grabbed his arms, not letting their lips connect. He looked Hisoka in the eyes. "Is that really what you think, Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked, his voice hard. "That I'll get tired of you and leave? Well I got news for you; you can't get rid of me that easily. I'll always be by your side, I don't need sex from you. I only want you when you're ready, I don't want to do it before that." Hisoka's eyes widened as he was scooped him up, thrown over Tsuzuki's shoulder and carried off to the bathroom.

Tsuzuki sat him on the counter, grabbing a towel and wetting it with warm water. Slowly he cleaned him off, wiping the blood off his chin, down to his chest and thighs. When he was clean Tsuzuki leaned forward and kissed him softly and chastely on the lips.

"I only want you when you're ready," the brunette repeated.

More tears leaked from the blondes eyes and he wrapped his arms around Tsuzuki's waist, clinging to him and never wanting to let go. He carried Hisoka back to his room, tucking him into his bed and under the covers before climbing in and wrapping an arm around the other male's waist. They lay in the dark in silence, with Tsuzuki occasionally kissing the back of Hisoka's neck, hugging him to his body. It made Hisoka feel secure for the first time in his life and he knew he had to talk to him.

"Tsuzuki?" he whispered, afraid to be too loud, as if it would shatter the feeling he had right then.

"Mmm, yes?"

He exhaled, letting out a deep breath. "Can I talk to you…about the nightmares?"

Tsuzuki sat up, tensing and pulling Hisoka onto his lap and cradling him to his chest. "Of course you can, Hisoka," he assured him.

"They- they're not really nightmares, Tsuzuki…they're memories…" he started.

Finally Hisoka was telling him the truth, about his death, his life, and the worst of all of it...

….

_Thanks so much for reading. I was planning on doing another chapter after this but I wasn't sure. There's a very high possibility of it so please tell me if you liked it. I've had an idea like this for quite a while but I couldn't really figure out what anime/manga the idea was best suited for. Then I saw the first few episodes of Yami no Matsuei and I was like, this is it._

_PLEASE REVIEW!_

_Love, BlackAsDay_


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